Your face is a jimmy john
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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