you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
