Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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