meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
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