omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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