Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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