Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just blew my weed a kiss
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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