You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I intend to get homeless drunk
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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