Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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