I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This house was built for laser tag.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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