I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
two words...techno handjob
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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