I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Never underestimate the power of titties
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
