I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
