If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
