Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
