She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize