dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Randomize
