2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
