I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
