the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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