im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
