my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
