Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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