Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Randomize
