i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
