I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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