Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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