Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
