so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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