Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
