woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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