He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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