If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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