Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
