people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
