I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
