For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
