Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
How does it feel to date your dad?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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