Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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