Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
