I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
