i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
