oh god the rape fog is back!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
