there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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