the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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