If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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