I skipped work to stalk him.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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