the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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