oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
