I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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