if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
