I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize