I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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