god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
