my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
