I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
