Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
