help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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