Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize