Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The feeling are messing with the penis
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
