mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
