I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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