I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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