this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize