There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
