I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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