I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
