Will you blow on my dice?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
operation have a gay friend backfired
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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